What's A Commie?

I’m Sure “It’s Also A Stone Temple Pilots Song!” Would’ve Been Met With Blank Stares.

Red — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:57:12 +0000

J: I’m excited about my new bed. It’s going to be plush.

R: What’s plush?

J: It’s another word for soft. Like, a stuffed animal is plush.

R: So Cookie is plush.

J: Yup.

R: And Cocoa is plush.

J: Yup.

R: And Bunny is plush.

J: YES! They are all plush, okay?!?

No Disrespect Intended, Fiddy, But I Don’t Need An 8-Year-Old Asking Me What “She Work The Pole” Means.

Red — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 01:39:33 +0000

I’m spending two days a week this summer babysitting, ahem, being a childcare technician for one of my closest friend’s two kids, J and R, who are 10 and 8, respectively. Oh, and they’re also the loves of my life.

I’m also spending two days a week doing my regular job, but I suspect that most of my summer quotes will primarily be from J and R.

J: Red! R is watching King of Queens!

Me: R, turn that off. You know you can’t watch that.

R: It’s my show!

J: It’s not your show. It’s nobody’s show!

—–

J: I used to never be allowed to watch shows where people were laughing in the background, because my parents said they were inappropriate. But now I can watch some of them, and they’re not always that interesting.

Me: Right? All the things adults don’t let you do when you’re a kid end up being kind of like that.

_____

R: Is it okay if I put a pencil and a monkey in your seat pocket?

_____

R: Why can’t I download that song?

Me: Because sometimes 50 Cent says bad words.

R: Like what? Like [whispers] “hell”?

Me: Kind of like that.

Right, Of Course. How Silly Of Me.

Red — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:25:07 +0000

Kid: What would aliens say to people?

Me: What do you think aliens would say to people?

Kid: “Glug, glug, glug.”

Me: Why would they say “Glug, glug, glug”?

Kid (visibly annoyed): NO, I said “FLUG, FLUG, FLUG.”

Hey, It’s A Solid Vocation To Aspire To. Just Ask The Nice People At Pearl Vision.

Red — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:09:34 +0000

Kid: What’s “proud”?

Me: It’s when you do something great and you feel good about yourself. Can you think of something that makes you feel proud?

Kid: Fixin’ glasses.

You Know They’ll Be David Blaine’s Last Words

Red — Thu, 29 May 2008 16:00:02 +0000

Magic is real and I love it.
-3rd grade boy

And, Praytell, Who Among Us Can Say They Don’t?

Red — Thu, 29 May 2008 15:53:36 +0000

I know I’m not supposed to squeeze cats. I just want to.
-Kindergarten girl

Admit It, We’ve All Got Someone We’d Like To Say This To

Red — Thu, 29 May 2008 15:45:09 +0000

Kid Who Likes Me: You should come live with me!

Me: Yeah? Well, do you have a bed for me to sleep in?

Kid Who Likes Me: Yeah!

Me: And a pillow?

Kid Who Likes Me: Yeah!

Me: And food to make me dinner?

Kid Who Likes Me: Yeah! And a dog for you to play with!