J: I’m excited about my new bed. It’s going to be plush.
R: What’s plush?
J: It’s another word for soft. Like, a stuffed animal is plush.
R: So Cookie is plush.
J: Yup.
R: And Cocoa is plush.
J: Yup.
R: And Bunny is plush.
J: YES! They are all plush, okay?!?
I’m spending two days a week this summer babysitting, ahem, being a childcare technician for one of my closest friend’s two kids, J and R, who are 10 and 8, respectively. Oh, and they’re also the loves of my life.
I’m also spending two days a week doing my regular job, but I suspect that most of my summer quotes will primarily be from J and R.
J: Red! R is watching King of Queens!
Me: R, turn that off. You know you can’t watch that.
R: It’s my show!
J: It’s not your show. It’s nobody’s show!
—–
J: I used to never be allowed to watch shows where people were laughing in the background, because my parents said they were inappropriate. But now I can watch some of them, and they’re not always that interesting.
Me: Right? All the things adults don’t let you do when you’re a kid end up being kind of like that.
_____
R: Is it okay if I put a pencil and a monkey in your seat pocket?
_____
R: Why can’t I download that song?
Me: Because sometimes 50 Cent says bad words.
R: Like what? Like [whispers] “hell”?
Me: Kind of like that.
Kid: What would aliens say to people?
Me: What do you think aliens would say to people?
Kid: “Glug, glug, glug.”
Me: Why would they say “Glug, glug, glug”?
Kid (visibly annoyed): NO, I said “FLUG, FLUG, FLUG.”
Kid: What’s “proud”?
Me: It’s when you do something great and you feel good about yourself. Can you think of something that makes you feel proud?
Kid: Fixin’ glasses.
Magic is real and I love it.
-3rd grade boy
I know I’m not supposed to squeeze cats. I just want to.
-Kindergarten girl
Kid Who Likes Me: You should come live with me!
Me: Yeah? Well, do you have a bed for me to sleep in?
Kid Who Likes Me: Yeah!
Me: And a pillow?
Kid Who Likes Me: Yeah!
Me: And food to make me dinner?
Kid Who Likes Me: Yeah! And a dog for you to play with!
(pause)
Kid Who Doesn’t Like Me: I’m gonna buy a shark and he’s gonna eat your glasses.
Kid: What’s a commie?
Me: A what?
Kid: A commie. That thing.
Me: Oh. A comma.
I’m out at recess with the first graders.
Kid: Miss Red, John and Suzy are doing something they’re not supposed to be doing.
Me: What are they doing?
Kid: (casts eyes down, pauses for about five seconds, then says in barely a whisper…) Weenie.
